JESUS CHRIST, Mom

She’s such a damn conspiracy theorist

No, like true blue, hardcore cupboard-full-of-spam style conspiracy theorist. Coast to Coat AM is borderline religion to her, she’s got huge containers of survivalist equipment and freeze-dried whatsits hiding all over the house, dude we are ready, man, bring it on.

And she just came home for 30 minutes and spouted all of this stuff about Dark Stars and Nuclear Holocausts and the sun blowing up and what I need to do to survive December and then she left and now I’m all wigged out and have a homework assignment to figure out what parts of our apartment have the most resistance to a possible nuclear storm (best case scenario) or cannibalistic giant attack (worst case scenario.)

I guess the basement?